It was a risk.

A risk - an act of desperation.

A risk to open himself to see that there is a chance to love and receive again. To take a chance that perhaps this time it would save him and blot away all the past hurts that have ached so bad.

It was a great risk.

Think about facing your phobia unarmed, unprepared.

The risk was greater than what you could ever anticipate.

He died.

S-personality

I adore those with the S-personality; they seem to stop themselves from saying anything that will discourage others.

There are times when people like me (who have the D-personality) tend to 'over-react' when it comes to expressing our views. We want our views to be heard; we want others to accept our views (whether we realize it or not).

But then, looking back at many conversations I had with friends, many times I should've kept quiet and smile (this doesn't mean I agree with what they say); silence, many a times, would have saved the situation.

I am still learning. :)

Given Up

Where have you been?
I have tried reaching you.
You were nowhere to be found.
It seems as though you were in a far away land -
nowhere near me, nowhere within reach.

Where have you been?
I have tried calling you.
You were nowhere to be found.
It seems as though you were unreachable

Where have you been?
I have tried loving you
I can't.

I haven't learn how to open myself
To love you
Again
Because of the hurts you have scarred on my hands

I yearn to look into your eyes
And smile and feel your breath tingle in my ears
As I hold you close to me
But I resent it now

What hurts the most?
Is to know you smile with another
What tears me the most?
Is to know that we can't be as we were

I have given up

Drifted

We can't always hope that friendships remain the same. Yet, we can hope those whom we treasure will continue to treasure us - despite our weaknesses.

Simple with word; difficult with deeds.

I was blog surfing while taking some rest from assignments, and I read friends whom I were close to. Recalling the memories and laughters we had together, I realized how far we've drifted apart.

Not that I do not care for them anymore, it's just things have changed - for the better, if I choose to be optimistic.

For some, we drifted apart because of major differences between us. We realized that the best for both parties was to stay distant, and let our differences silent to nothing. Yet, usually, such an action would lead to more differences.

For some, we drifted apart because I wasn't comfortable with their coming-too-close. Although it is great to know that people care for me, but when they begin asking questions that are none-of-their-business and cause me uncomfortableness, I would immediately - automatically - back off and raise a stop sign to hinder the relationship from continuing. Call me selfish, foolish, whatever; it's my defense mechanism.

For some, we drifted apart because of our dreams. We want to pursue what we dream for, and that caused us our friendship. But I supposed this is okay, because at the end of the day, when we meet, we could forge our relationship again.

For some, tolerance has been a great part for me. I tried very hard to tolerate the opposite party's behavior, thinking that this friend will be worth my time. Yet, I do admit that I have a tolerance limit. Once it's up, it's up. Bang, and the friendship ends.

For some, their weaknesses became my weaknesses. I was weakened terribly, and when I realized it, I had to pick myself up. In the process of doing so, I hurt more. I, then, realized that I have to be strong, and at the end of the day, nobody will stand by me to encourage me. And I need my strength to push me further. I cannot use my strength on others, else I myself be toppled.

I guess friendships have their own ways of saying goodbye and hello.

Long Week

It has been a long busy week, one that has sucked out the life out of me (in a positive way), pushed me in ways I've never seen possible, understood and learnt a lot from people I work with, thought through a lot about friendships and decided my action plan and perspective towards friendships, and so forth.

I've had a lot of questions, and some I find no answers to.

I worry, too, about the way people perceive me; but I guess this isn't the issue anymore. I realized that friendship starts when I start accepting myself, not the other way round. I do not need to think what people think of me.

Many a times I react to situations thinking that should I act that way, I help the opposite party. Little did I realize that I am actually sacrificing myself for that 'peace'; I should be a little more selfish, because in the end I am the one who will bear all the consequences of my altruistic self.

Not that I am very altruistic, or magnanimous; if you get what I mean.

And also, I realized another thing: the more I try being friendly to a person, the more I lose. I lose my self-respect, I lose my identity, I lose everything that is of me. It's time to stop giving so much to friendships; they are meant to be at arm's length. Because at the end of the day, people can move on, but I stay here, stuck, frustrated that despite my giving, I gain nothing.

It's better to be oneself while being a friend than to try to please the other and lose oneself.

Call it selfishness, if you may; but face it: friendships are meant to be at arm's length.