When Things Dull

When things you enjoy doing hype up, and things you cherish begin mellowing down - not because you wanted it to be so, not because you expected it be, not because you did not try hard - it is inevitable that you feel like sitting back and start blaming yourself for not smart enough, good-looking enough, capable enough...

And that is what happens to many these days. It is a common dilemma, one that perhaps each of us go through consciously or subconsciously, somehow or rather.

Things do dull, after some time. People stop cherishing you the way they used to; words that used to affect you least affect you most, as if searing your thin skin and tearing your heart out of your chest; but it seems as if the more you do, the worse it gets, until one day, you stop, and start believing that when you hold something too tightly, it slips away.

You narrow things down, eventually finding the very last stand - your Adam and Eve moment - is your action. Somehow, miraculously, it was your actions. Those acted out of defense and selfishness. You think, you justify. It is not my fault, you defend.

But it is, when it sears others' skins, tears others' hearts out of their chests, wither their flowers of confidence.

If only people care. You always tell yourself. But when somebody does care, you step back, thinking to yourself that the one you want to see care is not that somebody but another somebody. Another act of selfishness, don't you think so?

When you say you want an embrace, so that you could sink into the arms of the other, you could not get. But when another pulls you in, you push the person away, thinking to yourself that that is not the one you want to embrace you. Isn't that another act of selfishness?

Things do get dull. Somehow or rather, believe it or not, dispute it or not. Relationships might one day take the last breath of you, sending you into hells of anguish. The emotion you once thought as love might be the chemical you lived on, feeding yourself, slowly bringing yourself closer to an unexpectedly slow death. And when it occurs, how euthanasia-like.

Things do get dull. You would one day understand it, and scribble these four words onto your wall with your blood running running across the surface of your skin.

Things do get dull. It will. It is just a matter of time. And when it occurs, how lovely, how painful; how gladsome, how tiresome; how memorable, how forgettable; how pleasurable, how irritable.

When things dull, will you stand by your own side and push yourself ahead, forgetting about the past?